If you want to teachyour children how to say sorry,you must be good at saying ityourself,especially to your own children.But how you say it can be quitetricky.

If you say to yourchildren"I'm sorry I got angry with you,but…”what followsthat"but"can render the apology ineffectivE."I had a badday"or"your noise was giving me a

headache"leavesthe person who has been injured feeling that he should be apologizing for hisbad behavior in expecting an apology.

Another method bywhich people appear to apologize without actually doing so is to say"I'msorry you're upset";this suggests that you are somehow at fault forallowing

yourself to getupset by what the other person has done.

Then there is thegeneral,all-covering apology,which avoids the necessity of identifying aspecific act that was particularly hurtful or insulting,and which the personwho is

apologizing shouldpromise never to do again.Saying"I'm useless as a parent"does notcommit a person to any specific improvement.

Thesepseudo-apologies are used by people who believe saying sorry showsweakness.Parents who wish to teach their children to apologize should see it asa sign of

strength,andtherefore not resort to these pseudo-apologies.

But even whenpresented with examples of genuine contrition,children still need help tobecome aware of the complexities of saying sorry. A three-year-old might needhelp

in understandingthat other children feel pain just as he does,and that hitting a playmate overthe head with a heavy toy requires an apology.A six-year-old might need

reminding thatspoiling other children's expectations can require an apology. A 12-year-oldmight need to be shown that raiding the biscuit tin without asking permissionis

acceptable,but thatborrowing a parent's clothes without permission is not.If a motheradds"but"to an apology,_________.

A.she doesn't feelthat she should have apologized

B.she does notrealize that the child has been hurt

C.the child may findthe apology easier to accept

D.the child may feelthat he owes her an apology